Worth
This space is so dead. It’s been too long. ‘Too long’ is such an understatement. I think I’ve long lost the interest in penning my thoughts down here… or anywhere else to be exact. But today I have something worth writing about and if I were to procrastinate about putting this up then I could probably forget about this post altogether.
So two days ago I came back from work feeling all irritable, cranky and what not. Probably cuz I had no rest at all throughout the whole week. School on weekdays and work on weekends. I know, I shouldn’t be complaining bcuz nobody asked me to do what I did. Nobody forced me to work. I was constantly being reminded that I should have a rest, a break from work but I thought I could work it out. I could manage both school and work. Easy peasy!
It’s really not all that bad to be honest but perhaps cuz the weather has been fluctuating so much that it has pretty much messed up my health, in a way. I was constantly having on and off headaches due to being in the rain which pretty much caused my irritable behaviour.
On my way back home I had a little reflection session with myself. Then I came to realise all these years I’ve never really felt what it’s really like to be appreciated. Forget about the small, constant ‘thank yous’ from the people around me. That is not what I’m trying to put across here. It’s more about people or ‘friends’ who actually recognises my worth or existence.
I pretty much feel that my existence doesn’t make much of a difference to or play a big part in anyone’s life. Well I probably didn’t anyway except for maybe my family. Which brings me to my next point. Family. I put my family above everything and everyone else simply because I feel that they want and need me in their lives, period. Why should I put aside people who need me all the time for people who need me only when they… need me?
I’m sick and tired of having to be there for everyone else when I’m pretty much chucked aside when not needed. It’s sad, come to think of it. I’ve been taken for granted too many times. Too many to finally turn me into who I am today. I’ve never asked for anything in return to all the favours I’ve done for some of my friends. I love helping others out. If it makes them happy, then I’m happy too!
But recently reality just hit me in the guts about why do I always do so much for others but so little for myself? Why do I always feel like I need to help people out and ‘I’ only come in in the very last part of the picture? It’s always about ‘them’ and very little ‘I’.
Many a times I tell myself that it’s okay and some day people will come to realise and appreciate everything that I’ve done for them. Many a times I get disappointed but I put the thoughts away and tell myself ‘someday, my day will come’.
‘MY DAY’ NEVER CAME.
I subconsciously vented my frustrations on a Whatsapp group and what came in my email afterwards triggered some waterworks.
True about how I’ve always been misunderstood. How I’d go to lengths for the people I care about. How forgiving I am towards them. How no matter how many times they hurt me I’d still be there for them, not caring about what they did to my feelings and how although I know I shouldn’t stay, I just can’t bring myself to walk away from them. Once you’re in my life and if you really mean something to me then I wouldn’t just walk out on you no matter how hard I try to or how much I should.
I remembered how these girls actually took the time and effort to plan out a birthday surprise for me despite knowing me for a mere 9 months. They got so many people involved, even liaised with my family regarding the surprise.
Come to think of it, how many friends actually remembered my birthday? How many friends even see it as a special day for me? Not many. Or none at all. Nobody cares. Nobody sees it as ‘special’.
I honestly am thankful for friends like these. I love being around them simply because they constantly remind me of how much they appreciate my effort and how thankful they are for the very little things I do. On top of it all they always ensure that I’m taking care of my health and when I don’t feel well they never fail to show how much they’re concern about my well being. They’re always there to look out for me, to stand up for me whatever the situation is. They’re never selfish and I’ve never met anyone who are as concern as they are.
We may have our fair share of petty squabbles and childish arguements but they’re never for long and we’d talk and laugh over it some time later anyway. These squabbles are only normal in a friendship and there’s no way you can avoid it.
I may not have known these girls for 5 years just yet but I’m positive they’re the friends I’d like to keep for a lifetime. I wouldn’t mind staying with 99 cats and bunnies while sitting in my rocking chair in many years to come with them close to me. We shall all grow grey and wrinkly and still be good friends. I hope to keep you girls with me till the end of time. Thank you <3
I’m not saying I don’t appreciate all my other friends that I’ve made all these years but some day you’ll grow weary of being taken for granted, being stepped on, being misunderstood, being taken advantage of.
If you think I’m heartless, selfish and mean now then try putting yourself in my shoes, go through what I’ve went through then perhaps, just perhaps, you’d understand why.
They say ‘to get less hurt is to care less’. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do. It’s not about the quantity of friends. It’s about the quality.
All I want is to be appreciated. To know that my existence matters.
You may think that this post is invalid only because I see these girls everyday but go on and think. How many years have I been with all of you? How many times have I felt appreciated or been told how important I am to you?
No one has ever made me feel this worthy in my 20 years of living. No one.
If I die tomorrow would you only appreciate my existence then?
